I love you baby. I miss you soo... much. I think about you every day. I remember everything, and I mean everything, every word, every movement, every feeling from the moment, every time I woke up from my sleep, every conversation I heard or said, every thought, every conversation by verbatim. All my life I may forget things and I have never been able to remember exactly what I said, or the order it was said in. Also when someone spoke to me I would not remember the exact words or the order in which the context was said.
The night/morning you died, I remember every detail, every conversation, every color, every action, every dream, every thought playing in my mind, from the moment I walked into the door from work, when you left the house, then sleeping on the couch waiting for your call so I would not disturb your dad, Jasmine coming and going and finally coming home without you, hearing the phone call around 1:30 am to be picked up, upset with myself because you could not breathe and I did not get bee pollen from Kaiser thinking it might be allegies but knowing in my heart it was because of some fucked up doctor at Kaiser who performed you nose surgery thinking you needed different medication yet he never looked into your history to learn you were born with severe asthma and had to be on a machine every 4 hours until as a young teenager you had a pulmonary specialist who was able to control your asthma with special medication, yet this fucked Kaiser nose doctor had to ruin you life and we were ignorant and did not know that we could change back you medication until it was to late (this ignorant doctor caused so much damage in those few months that you were never were able to recover from the damage he did to you), knew when you called around 1:30 pm that I needed to pick you up, but you called your dad's phone and I was too lazy to walk into the bedroom (where I should have been) to ask you dad why you called and thought in my mind that it must have not been that important if your dad did not get up to tell me you needed a ride home. But deep down inside, I knew your dad never things any thing is detrimental or that important when it seems to inconvenience him.
I don't know if it is a man thing or not. But when other people needs your help (I mean immediate family) he really truly believes that it is not serious and blows you off. Yet, he gets the flu, the cold or anything and we bend over backward to make him comfortable.
James, I heard your call, I know you dad and how he feels nothing is wrong and he doesn't want to go out of his way, but he did not have to go out of his way. I made the promise to get you whenever you needed me, You told me over and over again that you could not breathe, I knew you dad would not go out of his way to get out of bed to tell me you wanted to come home, I sleeped on the couch so I did not bother your dad, yet I was too lazy to walk in the bedroom to find out who called, what you wanted or even call you back.
I knew you were not well. Everytime in our life that I thought something bad could happen, it did. Murphy's law. Like when I left Anthony on the rocking chair to get his bottle. In my mind I though he could fall out and hit the fire pit. But then I thought, I will be back in a second and I let everyone know to watch him. As soon as I walked away, Anthony leaned forward and hit his head on the metal firepit and crushed his forehead.
I'm learning that when you have the pre-thought, they do happen. It does not take that much effort to do the right thing. In fact the wrong thing costs you a lot more in time and effort. Like Anthony crushing his forehead, I had those pre-thoughts when you called to be picked up. If, I had responded like I did every weekend (which did not require any effort), you would have been alive today. This was routine thing with you and me. We made a comment and I made promise. I slept on the couch so when you called, it would not interfere with you Dad sleeping. Go figure, you would call your dad and not me. Why did I not call you back when I thought it was you calling to come home, you always call at that time.
I failed you, I broke my promise and I have no excuse. I was waiting for your call. I am so sorry.
I play these 15, 20 or so hours in my mind every, every, every day.
I know every word, every thought, every moment, every feeling everything like a movie. I hate myself. For awhile, I really dislike everyone after died. I was mad at the world.
It took less than a year, to loss my husband, family, and so called friends. I was a nice person, never talked shit about anyone, gave everyone the benefit of the doubt and was always taken advantage of for my kindness (now I guess ignorance) Since you died (yes, I hated everyone) I am now trying to become that person I use to before you died. It is so amazing that all your family, husband and friends can remember about me is that they don't want to be around me because I am such a bitch. It so amazing that all my 53 years I tried so hard to have people like me yet all my so called friends and family don't want to be around me because I a bitch or negative. They don't even remember all the years that I was happy and I thought they enjoyed my company. Not even my husband/who I also considered by best friend.
It is amazing what you learn about human beings.
IM TOO TIRED.
It took a life time to have good friends which I have few (maybe two). But they don't even stand up for you when bad times hit.
On the otherhand, James, you have some amazing friends. They BOYS, you know who I mean),
Jasmine and Zach are amazing people.
I wish I had friends like yours.
I was not fortunate to live in the same place all my life. I moved every year.
GO FIGURE. I GUESS THAT LIFE. I AM SO NUIVE.